I was just quietly unloading the dishwasher this morning, when my 10 year old daughter enters the kitchen and screams:
‘HE’S DEAD, DAD, HE’S DEAD. LOOK DAD. HE’S DEAD !’
Sure enough, Chewy, the 18 month old gerbil had got himself wedged in a Xmas wrapping paper tube. Being slightly narrower than a toilet roll, the poor thing had wedged himself in and was absolutely motionless with his bottom sticking out of one end.
As I have never held the filthy rodent alive let alone dead, I summoned my wife, Norma, from the shower. Well, she is a trained Intensive Care Nurse after all. As Norma went to cut away the cardboard to free Chewy and prepare him for cremation, we suddenly saw frantic motion.
Thank God, against all the odds, the poor creature is still alive:
‘HE’S ALIVE DAD, HE’S ALIVE. LOOK, DAD. HE’S ALIVE !’
Unfortunately the little gerbil was so frightened, he started thrashing around uncontrollably like a rodent that had been helplessly trapped for 8 hours unable to see or move.
Consequently Norma inadvertently dropped him into the laundry basket and spontaneously urinated onto my underpants and socks (Chewy that is, not Norma).
This comedy of errors continued as Norma’s towel fell away as she desperately tried to grab him and stop him entering the narrow passage by the tumble drier.
In conclusion :-
Never, ever place Xmas wrapping paper tubes into your Hamster/Gerbil cage, thinking ‘This will be fun’ - it won’t.
[This article was originally published in The Grauniad’s ‘Living’ section on 13 November 2002 ]