I have been a little quiet recently because I have spent the last two weeks in Florida during which time I didn’t see a computer, pick up a newspaper and thankfully, didn’t speak on a phone.

  • Fly to Orlando
  • Stubbornly refuse the persistent Alamo sales pitch offering an upgrade to a oversized vehicle, pre-paid petrol and a host of other unwanted ‘options’.
  • Visit Magic Kingdom on the busiest day of the year. Queue to board a ferry boat. Queue to buy tickets. Queue to get bag checked. Queue to enter park. Queue for restrooms. Queue for food. Board every ride almost immediately.
  • Tie a Vielda cloth to car aerial to keep 3 car convoy together. Tell the parking valet, this ripped blue and white rag is the flag of the European Union.
  • Trip to Discovery Cove. Much more civilised (free pints of Pepsi). Experience queue withdrawal syndrome.
  • Return to Magic Kingdom for nighttime parade and fireworks. Thirst for queuing quenched.
  • Stagger and amaze multiple Disney staff by correctly guessing their town and state of origin purely from their accents.
  • Meet an American gentleman who accuses me of ‘being Dutch’, ’not speaking proper English’ and proudly announces that his brother-in-law is ‘mayor of Packney’. All in a 28 second ride in a lift.
  • Car park attendant at Sea World finally rumbles the state of origin trick - ‘hey - did you just read my name badge ?’
  • Kennedy Space Center - ‘Awesome’ is a much overused word in America but on this occasion, completely justified.
  • Early start for Universal Islands of Adventure. Splash out on Fast Pass tickets and gloat as we march to the front of the lines.
  • Forcibly ejected from Dixie Stampede after answering ‘Stand up if you are proud to be in America’ by placing hand on heart, waving a star spangled banner and bellowing ‘We applaud your war of terror’.
  • Don ski-suit, hats and gloves for Blizzard Beach. Shocked to discover it is a Water Park with massive queues and no space to sit down.
  • Drive to Miami Beach. Beautiful people driving flash cars past beggars lying on the sidewalk. Can’t determine whether people here are unhelpful or merely of limited intelligence. Massively overrated.
  • Attempt to bludgeon way into adjoining hotel room at 03:47 to kill noisy neighbours. Hammer on connecting door, screaming ‘TURN IT DOWN’ which, surprisingly, has desired effect. Wife still unable to sleep as she fears drug mafia will enter room to exact dreadful revenge.
  • Airboat ride at Everglades Alligator Farm. Too scared to hold a cuddly alligator or a large yellow snake.
  • Meet a lady who ’loves my accent’. She spent time in England last summer. In the famous English town of Newport (near Wales).
  • Hotel safe jams containing passports and valuables (United scarf). Duty Manager helpfully asks ‘You using the right code ?’. Maintenance department fail to open safe. Divine intervention (Clear - 9-2-1-1) miraculously unlocks safe as I am about to buy high explosives.
  • Welcome drink at Sloppy Joes in Key West. Heard some decent music (Killers) and nearly died of shock.
  • Call home for United score in European Cup Quarter Final. Father claims score is MUFC 5 Roma 0. Hang up as time is short and I am convinced he is joking.
  • Gain 3 stone as result of outsize American portions. Started to share meals, only eat starters, request childrens menu and finally skip meals completely. Weight gain limited to 5 stone as a result.
  • Key Largo. Superb snorkelling on Banana Reef in John Pennekamp Park.
  • Put petrol in car. Advanced computer system for automated self-service payment means I only have to enter garage three times to complete transaction.
  • Listen to John Mellencamp, Belinda Carlisle and Foreigner and an interminable stream of inexorable dross on an array of dreary (‘Light Rock’) radio stations. No wonder the US doesn’t produce any decent bands.
  • Return hire car. Failed to tip shuttle driver who gave me a stream of abuse.
  • Fly back from Miami airport. Sophisticated on-demand video and entertainment system functional after a ‘master-master reset’. Play Tetris continuously for 6 hours with attractive girl seated in 32B.