Football

The British media may have given the impression in recent weeks that we considered the German national tootball team to be a rather workmanlike, efficient, collection of young talent coupled with experienced internationals but lacking in imagination and devoid of much creative talent. Some less respected elements of the British media may have given the impression that England’s recent, comprehensive 4–1 defeat by Germany was somehow a freak result that was purely the result of a refereeing error that denied England an equaliser. ...

Tuesday 1 June Mr. Capello announces the final squad of 23 players for the World Cup. There was the odd surprise and some devastated players as we say a tearful farewell to Huddza, Johnno, the Scott-Meister, Les (Dawson), Dazza The Bender, Walcottza and the quiet one (I think his name was Leighton Baines). Saturday 5 June Rio and Heskey have a argument over Wii Tennis that carries over into a training match. After winning a defensive header, Rio tells Heskey ‘Dunno why you’re still here. I’ve scored more international goals than you.’ Heskey retaliates by sliding in by the corner flag and sitting on Rio’s left knee. ...

This year’s Carling Cup Final between Aston Villa and Manchester United will take place at Wembley on Sunday 28th February 2010.Curiously, this date marks the exact 34th anniversary, to the very day, of Manchester City’s last trophy. After United defeated Millwall 3-0 in the 2004 FA Cup Final, all the United players changed into shirts numbered ‘36’ in a tribute to the young player, Jimmy Davis, who had recently died in a car accident. ...

‘When we go to Old Trafford, we will take that banner down. This is the last year it will be displayed because we will win.’ Roberto Mancini - 6 January 2010

‘This football club will be without doubt the biggest and best in the world. People don’t like to hear it but I’ll make no excuses for saying it, and I will never stop saying it because I truly believe it with the resources and capabilities that we have - and when, not if, we’re at Wembley having beaten Man United yet again !’ Gary Cook - Mad Hatter Saloon, New York, 22 January 2010. ...

The first (and probably the last) in a very occasional series. ‘Channel 5. Thursday night’. Arsenal fans taunting Liverpool on their unwanted appearance in the Europa Cup.

I’m not a big fan of American soccer. Neither am I a great fan of women’s football wherever it is played. Elizabeth Lambert has just changed that state of affairs. The rumour mill back home claims that Alex Ferguson is planning an audacious £34 million bid in January to replace Vidic.

‘Not in my lifetime.’

I believe Michael Shields is guilty of attempted murder by dropping a paving slab on a Bulgarian waiter’s head, putting him in a coma for 4 days. I find it worrying and bizarre that Jack Straw sees fit to grant Michael Shields a ‘Royal Pardon’ in the light of an ‘oral confession’ made by another individual when Shields’ parents just happened to pay him a visit. Particularly, when Jack Straw was fully aware of this information when Shields returned to serve out the rest of his sentence in England back in 2006 and rejected an appeal as recently at 2 July 2009. ...

UEFA’s decision to ban Arsenal’s Eduardo for two matches after diving in a Champions League qualifier creates a precedent, a very dangerous precedent. This may well result in revisionism, the rewriting of football history and airbrushing Ashley Cole out of the 2003 Shoot Soccer Annual. I forecast the following events which will have unexpected and dire repercussions for the game: Mexico 1986. Maradona’s infamous ‘Hand of God’ goal is ruled out and England win the World Cup. The finest football anthem ever, Baddiel and Skinner’s ‘Three Lions’ never gets written; ‘Ten years of hurt’ just doesn’t scan. The award of Wayne Rooney’s penalty that halted Arsenal’s unbeaten run is declared ‘unsafe’. Arsenal’s ‘Invincibles’ subsequently extend their unbeaten run by a further 20 matches. Fanzine writers universally rejoice at ‘The Immortal 69’ers’. Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool mount a joint appeal against Cristiano Ronaldo. UEFA reduce his tally of 84 goals in 196 Premiership appearances to just 3 goals in 27 starts for ‘simulation, posturing and ball hogging.’ UEFA conduct a detailed simulation of their own using Championship Manager on networked PS3’s. United are relegated and jostle for top spot with Leeds in Division One Richard Dunne of Manchester City receives a lifetime ban for attempting to ‘deceive a referee’ by impersonating a Premiership footballer. Questions are also raised in betting circles at his general ineptitude yet contrasting displays of brilliant, solid defending in every single Manchester derby. Gerard Houlier is sectioned under the mental Health Act before he utters the immortal words ‘Ten games from greatness’. He watches ‘Pink Panther’ incessantly and practises violent martial arts with William Gallas every Thursday. Later appears in a cameo in ‘Kill Bill Vol. 2’. Currently in rehab and guesting on ‘Soccer Saturday’ alongside Phil Thompson.