The Brightside family holiday in Spain was a very relaxing affair. For a period of 10 days, I didn’t watch a television, read a newspaper, stare at a computer screen or even turn my mobile phone on. In fact, I sat by the pool, listened to music, swam, ate fantastic seafood, thought a lot and ploughed my way through the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson. One hot, sunny afternoon, my relaxation was disturbed by the most awful, horrible, blood curdling screams....
I don’t know if al the clever Spanish people who study English leave the country or whether translators aren’t very well paid in Spain but here’s some amusing signs from my recent holiday in Marbella. ‘Deposit all remainders here’ - Malaga airport. I duly placed ‘2’ in the receptacle. This was left over when I was testing Norman Jeane and asked her to quickly divide 12 by 5. ‘Millionaires - Private Gentleman’s Club....
People never ask me ‘Hey Norman - where has your glamorous globe trotting lifestyle as a IT consultant taken you this year ?’ January - Bergen February - Berne, Blackpool March - Madrid, Cairo April - Slough, Macclesfield May - Lisbon June - Warsaw July - Brisbane, Perth, Broome, Darwin (holiday) August - Brentford September - Sunderland October - Swindon November - Dusseldorf December - Kitchen Table
Most of the Australians I met on my recent holiday were brilliant people; friendly, welcoming, great company and most possessed a very British style sense of humour. However, there was one element of my Australian experience that was slightly irritating; the tendency for people to ask questions. For example, if you ever purchased goods in a shop using a card, you were immediately greeted with ‘Credit or savings ?’ Another fine example was the following exchange one early morning at Brisbane airport where I attempted the seemingly simply task of purchasing four hot drinks as we waited for a short flight to Hamilton Island....
Memories of the annual summer vacation are now fading, the digital photos have been rationalised and printed, the video footage remains on the camcorder (thankfully) and the entries for ‘Holiday Highlights’ have now been received and short-listed. Norma - ‘So many memories. Catching up with friends and family, the climate, the lifestyle, The awesome scenery of the Bungle Bungles, the idyll that is Hamilton Island, sailing to Freemantle, cuddling a Koala, the endless miles of white sand and blue sky at Cable Beach....
As we meandered our way through Western Australia, we took a taxi from the rather mediocre accommodation provided by ‘Ocean Lodge’ to Broome airport to fly back home via Darwin. As we turned a corner on a deserted road, an Aboriginal woman and her daughter crossed the road in front of us. They looked up before crossing and walked quickly across the road towards a school. It would have been courteous for the taxi driver to have slowed down but he maintained his speed and turned to me in the passenger seat:...
Of course, unfortunately, there is another less attractive side to Aboriginal culture. When I last visited Australia in 1990, we took a flight to Alice Springs. Back then, Uluru was more commonly known as Ayers Rock and people were freely able to climb the massive sandstone rock. I used to be quite proud of the fact that I had scaled Ayers Rock and written: ‘Nice view, bit busy, could use an ice-cream stall’ in a tatty visitors book on the summit....
In the last week of the great Australian adventure, we took a guided tour from Kununurra to Broome, in a 4x4 truck, visiting Purnululu National Park and the Bungle Bungles. The scenery was fantastic, the company was great and our guide was interesting, professional, humorous and knowledgeable. One day, we also took another boat trip and a bushwalk at Fitzroy Crossing with an Aboriginal guide. The Aboriginal guide was fascinating. He talked about Aboriginal culture, the importance of Dreamtime, respect for the environment, respect for each other, how Aboriginals lived off the land for 40,000 years, the extended kinship model, the need to take just what you want and not what you need....
I passed through many customs, immigration and security checks at various Australian airports in the last three weeks. Each airport has its own variant on a dire warning that reads: ‘Flippant, amusing or sarcastic remarks will not be tolerated. Offenders may be subject to a $500,000 fine and/or 10 years in jail’. Of course, we didn’t tell Norman Junior III that. My - how we all laughed when he followed our advice and proudly (and loudly) announced to the customs official at Brisbane airport....
I’m not a big fan of zoos but in Brisbane, we visited Australia Zoo as it had beenrecommended by a few people. Also, we were keen to see some native Australian wildlife during our stay. I also assumed that Steve Irwin would ensure that the animals were kept in a natural and humane environment. We all enjoyed the day out. We saw crocodiles snapping at a white bucket, the kids fed pellets to kangaroos and wallabies and we cuddled sleepy koalas....