a polite notice

Two weeks ago, I was working in the beautiful city of Oslo. After a couple of hours, the client finally couldn’t take any more of my tedious hand-waving and badly drawn architecture diagrams so he suggested we had a five minute coffee break. In the immaculate pine kitchen, my eyes were drawn to a notice in Norwegian affixed to the kitchen cupboard. One of my hosts smiled and said ‘I bet you don’t know what that says’. ...

June 1, 2007

letter from America

I have been a little quiet recently because I have spent the last two weeks in Florida during which time I didn’t see a computer, pick up a newspaper and thankfully, didn’t speak on a phone. Fly to Orlando Stubbornly refuse the persistent Alamo sales pitch offering an upgrade to a oversized vehicle, pre-paid petrol and a host of other unwanted ‘options’. Visit Magic Kingdom on the busiest day of the year. Queue to board a ferry boat. Queue to buy tickets. Queue to get bag checked. Queue to enter park. Queue for restrooms. Queue for food. Board every ride almost immediately. Tie a Vielda cloth to car aerial to keep 3 car convoy together. Tell the parking valet, this ripped blue and white rag is the flag of the European Union. Trip to Discovery Cove. Much more civilised (free pints of Pepsi). Experience queue withdrawal syndrome. Return to Magic Kingdom for nighttime parade and fireworks. Thirst for queuing quenched. Stagger and amaze multiple Disney staff by correctly guessing their town and state of origin purely from their accents. Meet an American gentleman who accuses me of ‘being Dutch’, ’not speaking proper English’ and proudly announces that his brother-in-law is ‘mayor of Packney’. All in a 28 second ride in a lift. Car park attendant at Sea World finally rumbles the state of origin trick - ‘hey - did you just read my name badge ?’ Kennedy Space Center - ‘Awesome’ is a much overused word in America but on this occasion, completely justified. Early start for Universal Islands of Adventure. Splash out on Fast Pass tickets and gloat as we march to the front of the lines. Forcibly ejected from Dixie Stampede after answering ‘Stand up if you are proud to be in America’ by placing hand on heart, waving a star spangled banner and bellowing ‘We applaud your war of terror’. Don ski-suit, hats and gloves for Blizzard Beach. Shocked to discover it is a Water Park with massive queues and no space to sit down. Drive to Miami Beach. Beautiful people driving flash cars past beggars lying on the sidewalk. Can’t determine whether people here are unhelpful or merely of limited intelligence. Massively overrated. Attempt to bludgeon way into adjoining hotel room at 03:47 to kill noisy neighbours. Hammer on connecting door, screaming ‘TURN IT DOWN’ which, surprisingly, has desired effect. Wife still unable to sleep as she fears drug mafia will enter room to exact dreadful revenge. Airboat ride at Everglades Alligator Farm. Too scared to hold a cuddly alligator or a large yellow snake. Meet a lady who ’loves my accent’. She spent time in England last summer. In the famous English town of Newport (near Wales). Hotel safe jams containing passports and valuables (United scarf). Duty Manager helpfully asks ‘You using the right code ?’. Maintenance department fail to open safe. Divine intervention (Clear - 9-2-1-1) miraculously unlocks safe as I am about to buy high explosives. Welcome drink at Sloppy Joes in Key West. Heard some decent music (Killers) and nearly died of shock. Call home for United score in European Cup Quarter Final. Father claims score is MUFC 5 Roma 0. Hang up as time is short and I am convinced he is joking. Gain 3 stone as result of outsize American portions. Started to share meals, only eat starters, request childrens menu and finally skip meals completely. Weight gain limited to 5 stone as a result. Key Largo. Superb snorkelling on Banana Reef in John Pennekamp Park. Put petrol in car. Advanced computer system for automated self-service payment means I only have to enter garage three times to complete transaction. Listen to John Mellencamp, Belinda Carlisle and Foreigner and an interminable stream of inexorable dross on an array of dreary (‘Light Rock’) radio stations. No wonder the US doesn’t produce any decent bands. Return hire car. Failed to tip shuttle driver who gave me a stream of abuse. Fly back from Miami airport. Sophisticated on-demand video and entertainment system functional after a ‘master-master reset’. Play Tetris continuously for 6 hours with attractive girl seated in 32B.

April 16, 2007

a night of outrageous flirting in Copenhagen

[Well, my SEO professor said it was much better than ‘Sports Bars of Europe #7’] Feverishly scoured the Interweb looking for alternative sports bars in Copenhagen. Once I saw the address of my previous haunt, the marvellous ‘Irish Rover’, my mind was instantly made up. Tomorrow morning, when the customer politely asks me what I got up to last night, instead of ‘Caught up with my email and ordered room service’, I can now proffer ‘I spent a glorious, unforgettable night up ‘Jorcks Passage’. ...

February 7, 2007

job vacancy

Travel Administrator for overpaid and unbelievably stupid IT consultant must be capable of using a corporate travel service to book a flight to Copenhagen from London Heathrow must be capable of reading confirmation email to check flight is actually from LHR and not London City airport must be able to secure approvals for travel booked less than 7 days from departure must be able to verify a flexible ticket has indeed been issued as requested must be able to convince the lady at SAS ticket sales to change a fixed, non-refundable, non-changeable ticket to a different flight at no additional cost Salary - none. Bonus - none although you will receive my eternal thanks and defer my next nervous breakdown. ...

February 6, 2007

Copenhagen bound

Next week, I am bound for the wonderful city of Copenhagen, near Denmark. I normally aim to stay in a hotel close to the client offices. If my commute can be done on foot, I am absolutely delighted. However, on this one occasion, I have elected to stay on the other side of town which, unfortunately, will mean a very long taxi ride over a congested bridge, to cross the city in rush-hour. Once in the morning and again in the afternoon. ...

January 31, 2007

lost in transit

Last night I returned to London from Brussels. Unfortunately, my overnight bag didn’t. I guess this was inevitable after four years of multiple short flights in Europe and I have been pretty lucky thus far. Curiously, two other passengers on my flight suffered the same fate. One gentleman was very irate. For reasons best known to himself, he had buried his car keys in his suitcase which seemed a very odd decision. ...

January 24, 2007

flowery twats

I am working in Oxford and booked into this small hotel overnight. I arrived at 18.30 and rang the bell. No one is home. I phoned the company who made the booking to get the phone number. They call the hotel on my behalf. Guess what. No one is home. The helpful man from LateRooms asked if I could wait around in the cold for 30 minutes to ‘see if someone turns up’. ...

November 16, 2006

upmarket buskers

Just encountered two very talented buskers, attired in an immaculate dinner jacket with bow tie and a lovely, long, sparkly dress, singing the most beautiful opera. I was about to toss them 3 Norwegian Kroner but found they only accept credit cards.

August 26, 2006

holiday highlights

The annual Brightside family vacation in Norway is now over and the nominations for ‘Highlight of the Holiday’ have just been received: Norma - ‘The fantastic scenery, the awesome mountains and unspolit beauty of the fjords coupled with the feeling of absolute peace, solitude and tranquility.’ Norman - ‘The 3 hour hike on the Jostedalsbreen glacier with spiked boots, roped together in a group, taking in stunning views back down the mountain, sticking an ice-axe into ice that is thousands of years old.’ ...

August 22, 2006

Discovery launch

This superb photograph from NASA gives me a taste of what I missed.

July 7, 2006