Uk

‘How’s your curry, darling ?’

A blog post in the classic retro style of ‘Dear Diary’. Stay tuned next week for relationship woes, football reports, psychotherapy, unexpunged details on my health, teenage angst, my current mood, the music I am listening to and why I am going to be quiet for the next 13 days. Or, as Mark E. Smith of The Fall, once said to requests for ‘Bingo Masters Breakout’ ‘Are you still doing what you did 5 years ago ?...

I received a summons yesterday for non-payment of council tax. Ah well. It was good while it lasted. I reckon at £1,000 each year for 10 years residence at this address, I probably saved in excess of £10,000. Still, all good things must come to an end. What a pity those rotters at the council caught up with me. Then I realised - I already pay my council tax automatically by direct debit to fund the firemen, refuse collectors, recycling collections, the lengthy queues at the tip on a Sunday morning, the multitude of speed bumps and liquid lunches for the fine councillors of this parish....

I am very lazy. It takes a gargantuan effort for me to maintain motivation and continue making material up for this blog. Therefore, actually sitting down, in my own time, to compose a letter to appeal against a £20 fine imposed by Transport For London on my 14 year old daughter, Norma Jean, was not a task I undertook lightly. I didn’t appeal because I can’t afford the £20. I didn’t appeal because I think my daughter is above the law....

After my recent holiday, I have been sent on the road for two weeks. I am currently staying at the (heinously overpriced) Malmaison hotel in Oxford. This place is very expensive and seems like a gaol for the vertically challenged. You emerge from reception into a prison wing. If you are over 5’ 8’’ tall, you are forced to duck under the door to enter your room. Oxford is not car friendly....

Inevitably, my new best friend, Michael, the Virgin Media engineer didn’t return on Friday afternoon to complete the installation of V+ or to reinstate my original, functional set top box to provide me with a TV service over the weekend. Instead, he hurriedly telephoned me to say he had transferred this issue to the ’networks team’ who would call me later to resolve it. Surprise, surprise, the ’networks team’ didn’t call me to resolve it so I had to call them (on three separate occasions) to make another appointment....

This afternoon, a Virgin Media engineer has arrived to ‘upgrade ’ my existing set top box to a V+ (TV drive). This is a straightforward box swap. No additional wiring or drilling is required. However, the new box failed to initialise. We both stared expectantly at the following screen for an eternity: Card Status: No T-Stream IPPV Status: BLANK He then called technical services who initiated the operation. He double checked the serial numbers of the V+ box and the card....

Ladies and gentlemen. Please be upstanding and don your ear protectors for this unique version of ‘God Save The Queen’.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for a career in pre-sales as I have an irritating tendency to blush and my left eye twitches horribly when I tell half-truths. However, on Sunday afternoon, in order to welcome my loved ones back from Holland, I donned a smart dark suit with a crisp white shirt and business-like grey tie. I then loitered around the lower level of Heathrow Terminal 1. I chose to invest the money I saved on the standard taxi fare in a very stylish (and not stupid looking) Bluetooth headset offering hands free operation....

What could possibly be better than a romantic city break in Amsterdam with your loved one in the glorious spring sunshine ? That would be lovely but, unfortunately, Norma has chosen to take her loved one, Norma- Jean to Holland to indulge in culture, canals, Anne Frank, trampolining, tulips and space-cake. Never mind. What could possibly be better than a lazy weekend dedicated to father-son bonding ? A chance to catch up in the beer garden on all the events of the week at work and school respectively....