Uk

Dear Fat Controller Occasionally, I use South West Trains to commute from my home in sunny Norbiton into the City of London. However before you say anything, don’t worry, I am not a merchant banker despite what my friends say. Today, in an attempt to secure a seat, I delayed my departure slightly and caught the legendary 08:36 service from Norbiton. Unfortunately, I narrowly missed a highly prized seat when a rather forceful gentleman, who boarded after me, miraculously managed to reach the last vacant seat 0....

In my job as a roving IT consultant, I have given a number of technical presentations about Siebel. During that time, I have learned that I am much more comfortable presenting material and content that I have created myself. I have also presented slide-decks used by technical pre-sales. This has occasionally led to detailed questions arising about a very innocuous looking bullet point which I was unable to effectively answer; not a comfortable situation....

Back in May, I went along to my son’s school to hear James Cracknell speak. Cracknell is an old boy of KGS and went on to become a double Olympic gold medalist. Since his retirement from rowing, Cracknell has embarked on a series of endurance challenges. Cracknell supplements his income by writing for the Daily Telegraph and also gives after dinner speeches about his adventures as well as motivational talks at corporate events....

I was recently in a pub when a lady looked expectantly at me and said ‘Fancy a whip for this ?’ I looked a little taken aback and hesitated until she helpfully clarified ‘A kitty. For the drinks. Shall we have a whip round and I’ll then buy some drinks’. In a very polite British way, I proffered a ten pound note and said ‘Oh that will be great. Thanks for sorting that out....

Bullshit. More Government lies designed to… This server has now been commandeered by MI6. This entry will self-destruct in 30 seconds.

This morning, a gentleman was reading a copy of The Times on my South West Trains service bound for London Waterloo. Nothing too surprising about that. However, this man continued to intently consume the day’s important news stories as he left the train and made his way down to the Underground network. This chap wasn’t reading a newspaper though. He was an early adopter so he was reading the electronic version of The Times on an Apple iPad....

I believe it was Tommy Docherty who christened the phrase ‘the innocence of youth’ when he described the joyful, attacking football of the newly promoted Manchester United team during the 1975–1976 season. One of my favourite bloggers, Jonathan Beckett, also reminded me of ‘the innocence of youth’ recently when he recounted how he dare not tell one of his three daughters that the family was getting three new kittens imminently lest she responded by ‘jumping up and down uncontrollably'....

‘When you land at Heathrow you think at times you have landed in a Third World country’ - Cardinal Walter Kasper. I guess the Papal entourage must have landed at Terminal 3 and endured the inevitable 20 minute wait for a bus to be brought up to the aircraft. If only the Italian check-in staff had put those red ‘Priority’ tags on their suitcases. Still, it’s a bit rich coming from a man who wears a pointy hat and attaches the same importance to the ordination of women as to the sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests....

‘Where’s the crane then ?' We had just embarked on our summer vacation to sunny Marbella (near Spain) and were sitting on the shuttle bus taking us and our suitcases from long stay parking to the North terminal at Gatwick airport. ‘Sorry what did you say ?' ‘The crane that gets the cars - where is it ?' As I pondered what on earth my intelligent teenage son was on about, I sensed other passengers on the bus pricking up their ears in interest....

On Tuesday morning, as I stood on a hot, sweaty, overcrowded South West Train destined for London Waterloo, I happened to notice a pretty, young lady reading a magazine telling her what to wear, how to style her hair and how to look. As I finally emerged from Bank station, the thoughts of skinny, overpaid, drug taking women as some sort of bizarre role model continued to rattle around my head....