I’m not sure if it was Doug or Michael who first pointed me towards David Thorne’s 27bslash6 site but his latest exchange of correspondence with Michael Harding of the South Australian police is hilarious and had me in stitches. I’ve read the article four times now and am still smiling. You can’t really quote sentences in isolation to pay justice to the brilliant humour so just enjoy the full article. The guy is a truly brilliant writer....
London, near England - Thursday 18 February 2010 British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, astounded the world today by announcing the total and immediate withdrawal of all British troops from the current areas of conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan. Speaking exclusively to Piers Morgan on a prime-time chat show with tears in his eye, Brown explained: ‘During the course of the Chilcott Inquiry (led by that England rugby prop forward), a few facts became clear; Tony Blair misled Parliament and lied to the British public....
‘Who’s there ?’ ‘It’s me - Jamie.’ Thinks to myself - I don’t know anyone called Jamie. My son isn’t called Jamie. My daughter isn’t called ‘Janie’. Even though the wife is visiting her parents and I have the house to myself, I don’t suppose it’s that bizarre, twisted fantasy featuring Jamie Lee Curtis. I reached for a 3 iron to defend myself and finally get myself in the Daily Mail as a selfless vigilante, wrongly imprisoned for 7 years for simply defending his own property....
Many years ago, in a parallel universe not far from here, I worked for a small dot com Internet company. One day, the boss walked in and proudly announced: ‘Right - I’ve bought everyone three sessions at the London Float Centre’. I thanked him but told him I wasn’t interested and he could give my three sessions away to a more needy case but he was insistent and he was the boss....
Sometimes your faith in humanity is restored. The DEC Haiti appeal has raised over £25 million just from the news coverage alone. This exceeds the £20 million raised by last year’s Children in Need campaign which (while still a worthy cause) is mercilessly peddled and trailed by the BBC for two long weeks. Don’t forget to mark your donation as ‘Gift Aid’ which allows DEC to reclaim 28p for every pound given....
‘This country is shit. The food is shit, the government is shit, the weather is shit, the transport system is shit, education is shit, life is shit, death is shit, I am shit’. As this country grinds to a halt yet again after a light dusting of snow, a timely and apt quote from Arthur Smith whose autobiography ‘My Name is Daphne Fairfax’ I can highly recommend.
What a terrible holiday period for Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab. By the time, we had opened all our presents, stuffed ourselves with turkey, fallen out over charades and finally slumped in front of ‘Gavin & Stacey’, Umar should have been sitting at the right hand of Allah, surrounded by a variety of 57 vestal virgins, clad in white silk lingerie, feeding him grapes, tending to his every whim, straddling… [That’s enough vestal virgin fantasies - Ed]....
A few years ago, on a Wednesday night, I returned from work and Norma told me in passing that she had got a man coming to clean our carpets for free. Ten minutes later, I found myself welcoming not one but two Kirby salesmen into my house. What followed was possibly the worst 96 minutes of my life (with the possible exception of yesterday’s fixture at Anfield). I am normally polite and well mannered so I dutifully sat with my cup of tea and listened to the sales guy’s pitch about the miscellaneous wonders of the Kirby vacuum cleaner....
Driving along the M25, my son noticed some large graffiti on a bridge ‘Give peas a chance’ Norman Junior III: ‘Hmm - that’s interesting ‘Give peas a chance’ - what does that mean ?’ Me: ‘Well these days broccoli and green beans are getting really popular so these people just want us all to give peas a chance.’ 17 seconds silence then both of us burst out in uncontrollable laughter....
This morning I commuted, Reggie Perrin style, from my leafy suburb into the heart of London by train. Nothing too unusual about that. After I paid for my daily travelcard, I took my place on an unusually crowded platform. An unusually crowded platform normally means only one thing. An lengthy delay inevitably followed by an overcrowded, late running train. Sure enough, I soon gathered that there had been a fatality on this section of the railway line last night which caused major delays and now had a knock-on effect to this morning....