Uk

After I finally got over the shock of Michael Jackson (I suspect Mr. Pharmacist with the white pills and syringe in the study) and being genuinely saddened at the recent death of Sir Bobby Robson, I’m not sure I can take any more. Just heard some really crap news. Benson, the world’s largest living carp, is no longer living. Benson, who loved disco dancing, weighed 64 lbs and was between 20 and 25 years old (apparently, Benson lied about his age a lot - similar to Jane Fonda) has died....

Last year, I found an ancient 56Kb dialup modem lurking in a cupboard. I fondly remembered the days of dangling the extension cable diagonally across the bedroom floor (which often tripped unsuspecting visitors up) and mentally replayed the connection tone. And now Virgin Media announce 50Mb for £28.

Sorry but I just can’t help myself.

I probably shouldn’t ask this question and watch a ‘CSI New York’ box set to find the answer but still… Bodies are now being recovered from the fateful Air France flight 447 that crashed in the Atlantic ocean and the authorities are requesting DNA samples from relatives in order to identify the deceased. So, what exactly does 7 days in sea water do to the human body ?

Dear Bob Congratulations on disrupting the lives of millions of Londoners by calling a two day tube strike. Nice timing, by the way. An England international at Wembley and more importantly; The Fall, Buzzcocks and John Cooper Clarke live at Kentish Town. Just a couple of quick questions before I set off: I would also like a 5% pay rise which would come in most handy in these tense, difficult times....

My obsession with notices and signs in lavatories continues. Has it really come to this ? ‘When should you wash your hands ?’ ‘After your hands have become dirty.’

Last Friday, I found myself standing in a short queue at Newcastle airport. I could immediately discern that the global economic recession is starting to take hold up in the bleak, industrial North. Normally, at this time, Newcastle airport is packed with hordes of Geordie holidaymakers bound for the Mediterranean and beer swilling lads in Newcastle football shirts going on a, err, cultural visit to Prague. However, to my surprise, last Friday, the airport was eerily quiet....

Recently I collected Norma-Jean from one of her hobbies. As we departed, I stopped to bid farewell to a couple of boys who were preparing to cycle home: ‘See you next time, lads.’ ‘Dad - why did you have to say goodbye to those boys ?’ ‘Well I see them here twice a week so I was just being friendly…’ ‘God - that was so embarrassing. I actually thought you were going to say ‘Cheerio’ as usual’....

Just been down to Asda. Not because I am a Nineties man but mainly because the element on the kettle just blew. I went fully equipped with what I believe is known as a ‘shopping list’. I managed to decipher all of the entries (some were written by Norma) and successfully secured everything. I was debating whether to pay at a till or risk self-service where you swipe your own goods....

This is the first in a series of ‘open letters’ when I send emails to people who I admire or have had a major influence on my life. I will post my ‘open letter’ and subsequently will post the individual’s response (with their permission). To kick things off, an open letter sent in February 2008 to Tony Hawks (UK author, comedian and occasional ’talking head’ on those interminable BBC series that look back to the 1980’s)....